Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My companion through grief...

I've been slow to blog this week quite frankly because I've had some really hard days. If you live in Atlanta, you know what a lousy day Monday was with all the rain, then add on top of it frustration and sorrow, and that pretty much sums up my day.

I started back to work on Tuesday, and have yet to make it a full day. I sit at my desk in a daze wondering what to do, and just when I start on a task, half the time, I forget what I was doing. I rest my head in my hands, or sometimes start pulling at my hair. I had no idea it would be this hard to do something "normal" again. About that time, there's a knock at my door from one of my dear colleagues - a welcome interruption and a smile. I have never been so grateful for this team of folks who I know would do anything to help. We always talk about being a part of the Brenau family, but I now can attest to that in every sense of the word. Brenau University is taking very good care of its own, and I cannnot thank them enough.

So, I venture back into this everyday task of life, yet my world is turned upside down. Yes, I hold to the HOPE that life will get brighter and that God will never leave me or forsake me. Yet, what do I do in the meantime? What do I do with all the normal, everyday, and sometimes mundane moments of life that used to pass by so quickly, yet now seem like an eternity? How do I walk through everyday life and my grief at the same time?

The answer, best I know, comes from my daily companion, my Bible. Yes, I know that seems like a "good little church girl" answer, but it truly is my Source and my Life right now, and I hope forever. The week after Tony's funeral, I went searching on Amazon to find some books on grief to help me walk through this time. Then, my good friend Tammy told me that she had been challenged to read through the entire Bible in 40 days. It occurred to me that the best words to walk me through this hard journey are that of the living and breathing Word of God. It is the first thing I read in the morning and the last thing I read at night, sometimes drifting to sleep with my Bible on my chest.

This week, I have been pushing through the book of Numbers. Pushing myself, yes, pushing. As I read many times before about the Israelites and all of their complaining in the desert, I always thought they were just a bunch of whiners. Now as I read through all the repetitive commands and tasks they were asked to do day after day, I feel sorry for them. I mean, who wouldn't complain about what seems like a very mundane life of sacrificing animals and moving their tents from place to place, all in hopes of the "Promised Land" that only the generation after them would get to see. There was no talk of heaven and of an eternal life with God. What did they hope for in the midst of everyday life?

My constant praise through reading all of the early chapters in the Bible is one of thanksgiving to God for sending His Son as the Ultimate Sacrifice, giving us a Hope and a Future that far exceeds anything on this earth. Yet, I am also very grateful for those Israelites living through those every day experiences as a people "set apart" by God as His chosen ones. They lived for promises yet to be fulfilled, and I live for a promise of eternity that has already been fulfilled by Jesus. Tony is living in that promise now.

And if God can speak to me through Numbers, then I can't wait to get to the chapters ahead.

Dearly loved, and loving the Word,


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I understand intimately the feeling of trudging through your day. Sometimes I can barely summon the will to get out of bed-alas I don't have that luxury with 2 wee ones in the house. God gave me those amazing gifts...who knew that I'd be needing them more than they need me one day so soon in their young lives?
    I spoke to a friend yesterday who lost her husband 7 months ago to the day and she is dealing with so much that we are/have dealt with -the media, the public tragic death, the deep rivers of sorrow, the "tsunami" of pain that I feel out of nowhere on what seemed a good day, the list is endless. But one thing is different, you and I have this unbreakable belief in the Kingdom that keeps us forever HOPEFUL and FAITHFUL. What a difference that makes I've seen after speaking with her last night. I'm so thankful for that.
    I love you.

  3. I am so incredibly encouraged by your posts. Thank you for unselfishly sharing this time with us.
    WEMBA 2011

  4. Your posts are beautiful, and so are you. Thank you for sharing such intimate reflections with us. I agree completely with another's comment... I see Christ in You, and feel His love through your writings.

    CHS 1991

  5. I am so proud that you find some rest and some ease. We are all here.... walking beside you holding your hand.
    May your path of life be filled with rays of HIS light and of Tony guiding you shining his light to show you the way.