God continues to tell me "hi." He's done so during church the last 2 Sundays. I have been trying to read through the Bible in 90 days as a journey into my grief. The last 2 sermons have included the very verses I had read that day before - and I've only made it to 1 Kings, so it's not like I am reading those well-known, always quoted verses of the New Testament.
Two weeks ago, the sermon was about Saul, and how after he was appointed king in 1 Samuel, he made choices that caused God to grieve giving him the throne. The pastor talked about how we cannot follow God half way. We follow Him wholeheartedly or we don't follow Him at all. When I read about Saul, what stuck out to me was that Saul was 30 years old when he was given this opportunity of a lifetime. How very sad to waste it on chasing other gods and worldly things.
Later that same week, I started reading about another 30-year-old king, David. He is known so well for being a man after God's heart. No, his life was not perfect, he had his share of mistakes. He was not immune to pain and heartache - just read the Psalms. Yet, he chose to follow God all the days of his life.
Just as these kings had life-changing events occur at 30, so did I, though theirs triumphant, and mine tragic. Still, I am faced with a similar choice - to follow the God of the Universe or to turn away. To be like Saul or to be like David. I choose David. Despite the hard road I have ahead of me, I choose to chase after God.
After loosing the man I loved more than anyone on this earth, the only One who could fill the void left behind is God. Nothing on this earth can fill this hole, nothing, nothing. God is It. He is It. He's the One I hope for, His word is what I cling to in the midst of my sorrow. My prayer for anyone who is attempting to follow God "half-way" is that he or she would wake up and realize that there is nothing on this earth worth chasing like God. Nothing.
I am like the disciples of Jesus in John 6: 67-68, at a point in His ministry where many of His followers were beginning to turn away from Him. "'You do not want to leave too, do you?' Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.'"
I have written in my Bible next to these very verses a quote from my old college pastor, "God assumes complete responsibility for a life totally surrendered to Him."
My life is in His hands.
Dearly loved, and all in for God,