Well, I did it. I did. I put on my "big girl pants" and I moved out of my parents home and into my own place.
As always with me, the anticipation of the event was way more traumatic than the actual day. I must say, I held up quite well, thanks to my rock-star "mover" mom and lots of family and friends praying and cheering me on.
Quite honestly, the most dreaded step was spending that first night surrounded once again with things that belonged to both Tony and me. I fell down on my knees by our bed, which I had not even slept in since Tony died. I cried out to God to give me the strength to even crawl in. Tears began to flow as I realized that there was just one pillow instead of two. How would this bed ever feel anything but empty from now on? Still, I pressed on and into the Lord; I laid my Bible down in place of Tony's pillow.
Finally, I fell asleep.
I awoke way too early the next morning. All was dark and quiet in my new place, except for the faint chirping of birds outside my window. It was the first sign of dawn.
Laying there and attempting to go back to sleep, I had a flashback to March 25 of last year, the morning after the day I learned of Tony's death. I didn't sleep much that night either; I was awakened by that same chirping before the first rays of daylight. That day I never thought the sun would rise again; it seemed so unfair for birds to be singing when the love of my life was not there to hear them. That was the first day of my journey into the sunset, my journey into months of darkness and sorrow, my journey into the battle of my life.
And now, almost 11 months later, I'm finding my way to the other side; my time in the darkest of night is giving way to faint rays of light. Those sounds of birds in the darkness are my reminder that though I'm still grieving, I'm gettting closer to the sunrise.
I'm on the heels of dawn.
These verses from Psalm 57: 7-11 express the desire of my heart for this season...
"My heart, O God, is steadfast,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies."
Dearly loved, awakening dawn,