Some days I feel so left behind.
I feel left behind on this earth, while the one I loved most has reached that ultimate destination, heaven.
I know Tony did not intentionally leave me; he would have never chosen to have me endure such pain and hardship. Still, there are times I am jealous of where he is, jealous that he no longer has to deal with earthly troubles.
Today was one of those days. I realized it as I was sitting in a sea of red brake lights on my 1 hour plus drive home. There's certain things I know for sure I won't miss in heaven, and traffic is one of them. While I'm at it, I'll add rainy, gloomy days too. And today, I'll add the old house we own in Atlanta.
I had to put on that dreaded "landlord" hat and deal with yet another plumbing issue. I tell God regularly that I never asked to be a landlord.
I never asked to be a widow either.
I'm grateful to have so much great support to help me navigate this world without Tony, yet I still find myself getting stressed and fatigued by all that must be done. It's that "business" side of death that tends to upset me the most. It is that side that no one ever talks about, the side that is never taught in school, the side you hope you never have to deal with until you'd refer to yourself as elderly.
I must brag on my husband and say that he was very much a man of order. He took care of everything he could "just in case" so that I would not have to worry. I never wanted to talk about final wishes or wills or life insurance, but he prepared it all anyway when we were first married. I didn't know it at the time but it would be one of his most significant acts of love to me. It has certainly eased my burden from near impossible to at least bearable.
I never asked to be the executor of my husband's estate at 30 years old. Still, I take this responsiblity very seriously because my Tony entrusted me to take care of it. I'd do anything for this man, anything.
And so, I carry on, asking God for the strength to not be bitter toward the government, the countless customer service reps, the random strangers that I must deal with to settle Tony's affairs. Some days I am better at this than others; some days I just have to ask the good Lord for forgiveness.
And on "left behind" days like today, I put on repeat on my ipod the song "Come for Me" by Charlie Hall. And I press into the Lord, boldly asking him to fulfull my heart's desire...
That on the greatest, happiest days I could ever experience on earth, I would still long to be with Him even more. And that on the absolute worst days where I just long for heaven, I would wait patiently for Him, holding out hope for those who have yet to know Jesus.
Dearly loved, on this earth,