I am a perfectionist. There, I said it. I'm coming clean. I try so hard to live life as "Little Miss Perfect."
Sure, it's come in handy over the years. My straight A's landed me a full college scholarship. I've won my fair share of honors and awards over the years. I've held previous jobs and responsibilities that are hard to obtain by someone at my age. It is in my DNA to attempt to do everything with excellence, and I do believe that can be a trait that brings glory to the Lord.
But it has also come with its fair share of issues and set-backs, mainly in the physical realm. I've brought onto myself several random and annoying illnesses over the years (thankfully nothing life threatening)...I can hear the chuckle of my best friend Casey as she has witnessed most of these first hand in the 23+ years of our friendship.
I stress myself out. I do. But at least I can be honest and own up to it, right?
And so, it seems, that even in this darkest season, when I could really get away with slacking off, with letting things slide, with shrinking from responsibilies under the guise of a grieving widow, "Little Miss Perfect" just ramps up even more. I am attempting to become Superwoman...red cape, yellow boots, and all. I even have a t-shirt saved from a Halloween costume a few years back.
But Superwoman meets grief, and exhaustion, and a constant emotional roller-coaster, also know as my life, and I am slapped in the face with reality. I have come to realize I can't be who I was before Tony's accident, when I tried my best to balance every arena of life as a perfectly spinning plate on the tiniest point. I can't always bring my "A-game" to my family, to work, to my friends, though I desperately want to. There are times I can't even remember what I had for dinner, if or when I paid my bills; I've learned I must write everything down or it is as good as gone from my brain.
It seems I've got my very own thorn in my side.
Paul writes of his thorn in 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10:
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I am so grateful Paul gave us these verses. They give me great relief; they inspire me to embrace my thorn, to embrace my weaknesses. Lately, I've found myself exclaiming boldly in my most Southern grammer, "God, I've got nothin'...You've got to show up, cause I've got nothin'...nothin' to give, nothin' to say, nothin' to inspire, nothin' to even make it through the day."
And the miracle is...He shows up every time. He shows up in my nothin'. He trumps my thorn; He trumps my weaknesses.
And "Little Miss Perfect" can boast about it. And she can rest in the knowledge that God is strong, she is not.
Dearly loved, not Superwoman,