Getting up each morning is probably one of the hardest things I do each day. I covet the nights I am able to sleep, but waking each morning reminds me of the reality of my loss. More than anything in our marriage, I loved opening my eyes daily to see Tony and his amazing blue eyes.
I was facing a long and tough day ahead of me a few nights ago. I told God that if He gave me the grace to rise out of bed that day, then all I was going to do was to walk through the day and trust Him to handle the rest. Walk, just walk. I made it through that day. It is now my approach to every day. That is really all I can do right now. It is my daily choice.
I put one foot in front of the other and take life one step at a time. Some days I walk light-heartedly with my head held high and a song in my spirit. I thank God for those good days. Other days, I drag my feet, barely making any steps at all. I thank God for those days too, even more grateful to make it through another day. It is a slow process for a long, tear-stained road ahead.
I don't look at this time as walking "through" my sorrow - as to someday overcome it or get over it. I see this journey as being transformed by my sorrow. My prayer is that this dark cloud of grief that surrounds me slowly becomes a part of my soul - but not to make my soul a dark place or a hardened place. Instead, I want my sorrow to expand my heart so that it has more capacity to love God, love others, and to carry Tony with me forever. I trust that One step at a time, my heart grows.
I know one day that I will pick up the pace. Though my sorrow will always be a part of me, I do anticipate the day where my heartache and pain subside a bit. For when that happens, I'll have the capacity to maybe do some speed-walking, a light jog, then a run, and finally a sprint.
And where am I running? A better question would be who? None other that the only One who is worth the journey, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. You see, I started on this journey when I began my relationship with Him at 15. I had picked up a pretty good pace, when suddenly I looked over and saw Tony running alongside me. He was the best running partner I could have ever asked for. When the Lord called Him home, it was like I was hit by a freight train, stopped right in my tracks. With the help of my family and close friends, the Lord picked me up so that I could stay the course. No matter how long it takes, I want to run again.
Lord, I hold to the Hope that as you give me the endurance, I will run further and faster and harder for your Fame and your Glory than ever before. May the verses of Isaiah 61: 1-3 be my life's mission:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance for our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garmet of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."
Dearly loved, and dreaming of becoming an oak tree, one step at a time,