About once a week I find myself going about my day like my life is actually normal, then out of nowhere I am slapped in the face with the reality of my tremendous loss. I shake my head as I ask myself, "What happened to my life?"
I still find it hard to believe that the entire trajectory of my life changed in a matter of seconds. I have often asked God these past 4 months, "What are You up to, God? What are You doing? And, what am I going to do?" Lately, I have also been been bombarded with that last question from well-meaning folks, "What are you going to do now Melissa?"
My honest answer is "I don't know."
A gentle voice reminds me, it's not "what?" that I need to focus on, but "who?" This is a nugget of truth that I gleamed from my dear friend's father who lost his wife last fall. He encouraged me to continually ask the question "Who is God?" in the midst of my pain and grief.
So for the past week, this has been my prayer:
"Lord, help me to focus on who and not on what. God, when I lash out with 'what?' answer me with the Truth of who You are. When others ask me questions of 'what?' remind me of who I am in You."
It is quite fitting that I am finishing up Isaiah in my daily reading right now. I love this story of redemption for the Israelites. I love how God reveals His compassion, His strength, His unfailing love, for His chosen people. It is such a perfect picture of who my God is.
As it says in Isaiah 54:10, "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who holds my future. And so, I will continue to look to the One who cares more about who I am than what I do. Who I am, not what I do.