Monday, March 14, 2011

New normal...

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart" ~ Psalm 13:2

I read these verses this morning.  It was perfect timing because it so describes my current state.

I so desperately want to feel "normal" again.  I so desperately don't want to be sad anymore. 

I realized last week that I was acting as if I was racing toward the 1 year mark, so badly wanting it to come and go.   It was as if I mistakenly thought that March 24th would come and somehow I would miraculously go back to my old old happy self.

I wish I could say that old self was happy and carefree.  Happy, yes, but carefree, not so much.  And really, I didn't have any excuse not to be.  Before tragedy struck, my life was just plain amazing husband, loving family, plenty of resources with a good job, and lots of friends.  Who could ask for anything more?

Yet, I can recount plenty of nights around the dinner table with Tony where I would find something to complain about.  Tony would lovingly remind me, "Melissa, if that is our biggest worry in the world, then life is pretty good."

Now, I can't imagine complaining about petty things like work tension, or a hurtful word from so and so, or not having enough margin in our budget to buy a new outfit or go out to eat.  Typically, the only time I would change my tune was when some horrible disaster struck like it did in Japan.  Then, I'd feel guilty, shed a few tears, give money.  And, as soon as the tragedy began to disappear from the news headlines, I'd be back to my old ways.

I could almost hate myself for acting that way now.

So as much as I am ready to be done with grieving, I don't want to wish it away before it changes me...for good.  As much as I want to despise the term "new normal," I pray I embrace it for the new lenses on life it brings.

Dearly loved,


  1. Melissa

    I would say that you have always had those same lenses on, this has just wiped them clean of the smudges that life and circumstances puts on them...I only knew you for a short time before Tony's departure from this life, but there was never a time that you weren't glowing with love about your family, your husband, your circumstances and the future. And then, in the midst of what some never come back from, you have been the most beautiful champion for turning this rain to sunshine and embracing the memories, propelling you forward daily. The strength that God is placing in your life through the memory of Tony, friends, loved ones, new aquaintences and work family is powerful indeed. I know that YOU, my dear, are destined for great things. I know the lives you will touch will be more than you will ever know. I know you have mine :-) xoxoxox
    Love, Jen (your favorite hair guru!)

  2. Melissa,
    I am a friend of Melissa C. She sent this to me cause I am going through a rough time. Boy are you a strong lady!!!
    I will continue to read this daily, thank you.
    Praise God